Nowadays, nobody in my family cares about putting up Christmas decorations and in the last few years of having a tree, I couldn’t care how shambled it looked. There was a time however, when I would sneak downstairs after I had been helped decorate it, to rearrange the order. I couldn’t have two gold baubles lying next to each other on the same branch. The best ones had to be at the front where everybody could see them and the old, dented efforts, on the branches near the wall. Tinsel had to be one colour only, so others would be tugged off and hidden away. The star had to be straight, but it always did lop to one side, which irritated me greatly.
These days, we put up a tiny, pre-lit tree with fibre optic strands that emit different colours and it takes less than 5 minutes to pull the branches out.
Christmas trees aren’t about Jesus anyway, so I plonk it between the television and back wall and don’t care less if it leans 45 degrees to the left.
During my season of decoration obsession, my little Sarah happily helped me dress a large artificial pine. We took so long, it was exhausting, so I flopped onto the sofa for a rest afterwards.
“What shall we do now?” I asked my husband.
He suggested playing a quick game of ‘I Spy’ just for fun.
Very early on into the game, it was evident that we had not played this with Sarah before, or if we had, she certainly did not excel at it anymore. The poor thing, despite being excellent at spelling and far advanced in her years at English language, simply could not grasp the clues.
When it was my turn, I scanned the room for an easy object and looked at the tree.
Its branches were all drooping from the weight of its décor, and I thought this will be an easy one. There must have been at least 50 baubles shining in the twilight of the room.
“I spy, with my little eye…something beginning with…B.”
Sarah looked around with a forefinger resting on her bottom lip. Many items of festive cheer were named, none of them beginning with the said letter.
Her dad decided to help her out a little.
“They are all over the tree.”
“Bells?”
We had no bells on the tree or anywhere else in the house.
“No…you helped Mummy put them up yesterday.”
“Bows?”
There were no bows in the house either.
I had already endured more than 15 minutes of this game and I could stand no more. This was not a ‘cosy night in having fun with my family’, it was torture.
I turned to Sarah and spoke in the high-pitched fast voice I use when I’m losing patience.
“Right. Here’s a very big clue. They begin with B, they are different colours, circular in shape and very, very shiny. We put them on the Christmas tree last night.”
“Oh!” she gasped. “Bits of tinsel!”
I gritted my teeth and reminded myself that I do not always grasp the simple things people try to tell me. I thought back to my nightmare first nappy change (see chapter 2).
So many relationships break down because what is being communicated by one, is received as something else by the other.
Our daughter is funny, and we love her to bits. But she is also very intelligent. She has an amazing mind full of creativity and imagination. Yet in this game, her brain was on a totally different wavelength to mine.
This type of situation happens with families all the time. It also occurs in workplaces, churches and marriages.
Both parties are frustrated with each other. One loses their temper, the other loses the will to live.
I’m so glad that amongst Jesus’ many attributes, he is called the Peacemaker.
One of the weaknesses I struggle with the most, is reacting negatively in my heart towards people who do not respond to me the way in which I would respond to someone. God has taught me throughout the years that people have different social skills to me. My brain is wired differently to theirs and they are oblivious to my social expectations. I have also realised that the agitation is two-way. My methods and manner are just as likely to rile them.
People will misunderstand you. They will misquote you. They will blame you for things that are not your fault. You may be trying to get through to someone and it seems like your words are falling on deaf ears.
An action, joke, remark or type of behaviour is known in its fullest by the sender, but the receiver’s signals can run off a totally different line.
Also, like with Sarah’s game, sometimes even the most obvious quips have been lost in translation by the time it has reached my grey cells. Blog titles, business names and witty catchphrases are an example of this. I often just don’t ‘get the wit’ behind the phrase. I guess that’s why I find it easy to express empathy towards those struggling with autistic tendencies. Their wiring is even more complicated, sometimes causing society to shift away from them or them to hide away from others.
But for those of us who are not ‘afflicted’ with any type of syndrome, we must make every effort to remain outside our shells and embrace people for who they are, even if their behaviour annoys us greatly. I am learning that not everybody sees things my way. I am learning that I often see bits of tinsel instead of baubles and that people are getting irritated with me.
A common thread nowadays, is with the technological way we communicate. Many people understand that an email or text message cannot be responded to immediately by the recipient. For all we know, their dog vomited on the kitchen floor just after they read our very important message. Or, they may be taking time out to think carefully about how they are going to reply to us and haven’t the time to do so right at that moment. Then, being human, they totally forget, because our lives do not revolve around theirs.
So, the message-sender who becomes offended, angry, or judgemental, is in the wrong.
However, some people do not regard an electronic message the same as a verbal one. So, they see no need to reply with a, ‘thank you’ or a, ‘I got your message and will deal with this shortly’, or a ‘this isn’t relevant to me, but thanks anyway’, or even a, ‘I’m sorry that I won’t be able to respond to that until…’.
To the sender of these messages, this is the same as speaking to someone face to face and the hearer glaring at them, then walking away without any response. Or the hearer being asked a simple question but refusing to answer you because you are not important enough in their mind to warrant a polite, respectful reply. You are not even worth so much as a 2-second, ‘thanks’.
Oh Lord! Grant us an abundance of grace and forgiveness!
To conclude, I realise that we all have a tendency to judge by our own understanding, not God’s. We must constantly remind ourselves that we do not always comprehend the actions of others, because they are not us, and our focus must be on correcting our own imperfections. I am learning that it is okay to drop the issue and accept that no two people are the same.
I’m learning that it is okay to finish the game and play a different one. ‘I Spy’ is boring anyway.
