I love anchovies but apart from my dad, I don’t know anyone else who likes them. I’ve heard people calling them ‘Devil’s Food’.
Yes, they have a strong, fishy taste and the tinned ones are extremely salty, but aside from that, so long as they are either cooked or preserved, they are greatly beneficial to the body.
“Yuck! I’m still not eating them! I don’t care how you tart them up to make them seem appealing, you won’t catch me going near them!”
A lot of men are like that – for one reason or the other, there are loads all around the world who simply hate going to church. They know it’s good for them, but they can’t bear to regularly attend.
Alaskan-born David Murrow has done an in-depth psychological analysis on why so many men love God, but seemingly hate church.
We God-fearing ladies and men who remain, know that church is great. It is the place of spiritual, emotional, and even physical protection. It is the haven where one can get rooted deeply, together with a family of like-minded believers. It is a sanctuary where one can build good-quality relationships and receive encouragement in their walk with Christ. It is a place of teaching, guidance and plenty opportunities to serve and have fun.
But David discovered statistics that show that the ratio of attendance between women and men can be as drastic as 70:30. The interesting fact however, was that this only applies to Christian places of worship, not religious ones like Hindu, Sikh and Buddhist temples or Islamic mosques. These are all male-dominated places and the mosques in particular, are growing rapidly in male attendance.
In his book and international seminars entitled, ‘Why Men Hate Church’, he talks about how he set about studying this phenomenon to establish possible reasons why. He discovered that Christian churches have more feminine attributes which on a psychological level, puts many men off.
He said that the men he interviewed who were happy to do some soul-searching and answer his questions honestly, stated that church to them were for women, those who fit in and those who are happy to be brow-beaten about all their faults.
They did not like their masculinity being challenged by having to do girly things such as: hugging, expressing emotion, hand-holding, sitting still for long periods of time, reading portions of scripture aloud in house-group settings and singing ‘Jesus is my boyfriend’ songs (for them, lyrics in many modern worship songs were too ‘touch me now, I can’t live without you because I’m so desperate for your love. So, hold me close, I want to look into your eyes and feel your arms around me.’)
His final conclusion on this subject is, men stay in church:
- When they feel wanted and needed there.
- When they are wanted for their manly attributes.
- When they are not being pressed into a mould that’s not them.
- When women are not in control or manipulating the leadership.
If you are a man and can identify with any of this, you have my deepest sympathy. I could say to you, “It takes a real man to do the right thing even if he is uncomfortable with it.” But that’s not going to make you feel any better.
I could say, “It takes a real man to go to God with these issues and ask him to help you overcome them or adapt to them.” But I’m sure you’ve already done that.
I could suggest, “It takes a real man who will think outside the box and find opportunities to use his masculinity to help in the girly areas.” But that doesn’t solve the problem of you feeling terribly lonely in a crowd at a church meeting.
I could advise you that, “A real man will look around for other men who are on their own and organise get-togethers, sports nights, cricket matches, prayer meetings, business seminars, gym days, tennis tournaments, motorcycle rallies.” But maybe you’ve tried that already and the other men weren’t interested.
I don’t know what the answer is. What I do know is that when you stay away, it makes it harder for other men to commit to remaining where they are planted because men need the support of other men. Also, it gives non-believers the wrong impression, as it fails to remove the mask of pretending your worth comes from what you do rather than who you already are in Christ.
I’m sorry it’s so hard for you. Stickability brings good results even if it takes several years to see the fruit of your loyalty. God will honour you for doing what is right, especially when all your male buddies have flown the nest, leaving you desperately looking around for guys to connect with.
Church leaders do understand your frustrations and so do women. Hand holding during unity prayers can feel horrid for both sexes and not every woman is a hugger. A friend of mine says if someone hugs her for more than 4 seconds, it no longer blesses her. Many women don’t want to lead, but when you’re not there, they have no choice, and a female-dominated church puts other men off from joining and helping it to be the healthy place God created it to be. Yes, it can be a vicious circle!
Life isn’t perfect, so neither is any church. Many cool guys like the one below, are leaving, or staying away in the first place because the current lack of stickability is hindering them also.
God understands. He knows how you are wired and why church services put you off. Each man will have a different main reason, but most will identify with similar reasons. Hang on in there because we need you. The youth need men to guide them spiritually in a way that women can’t. Women need you to take the lead in areas that were specially designed for you. New comers and non-believers desperately need welcoming men on the door when they walk in for the first time.
The rhyming reflection below, empathises with some of your struggles, but you may be able to add some I am unaware of. We need you to identify these difficulties so that you can help your local church and other men, find ways to overcome them.
In the meantime, please keep attending, even if it is hard. Stickability in a God-honouring church means you will be blessed.
My True Heart
I want to be accepted
As part of the cool-crowd,
To be where it’s ‘happening’,
For I’m trendy and proud.
I’m so scared of rejection,
I’ll just have to lie.
When they boast about their conquests,
I will say, “So have I.”
*****
I need to drink more pints
Or I’ll get a teasing.
I’m always pretending,
I’m always appeasing.
But when I’m gasping
For my very last breath,
Can these friends help me
To escape my death?
*****
Our talk is crude,
The subjects, superficial.
Our lives are shallow
Our friendships, artificial.
My brother’s just died,
So I am distraught
That we waste our time bragging
When our lives are so short.
*****
I’m going to step right out,
My heart is on the line,
Because I’m fed up pretending
Everything is fine.
Now the truth is standing out
And I’m going to fight,
Because it takes a real man
To stand up for what’s right.
*****
I’ll swagger to church
All gallant and daring,
I’m gutsy and macho
As well as God-fearing.
I look down the pews
And on the seating upstairs,
There are so many women
Sat on those chairs.
Have the men all died?
Have they been backsliding?
I need a compadre.
Where are they hiding?
On certain graces
I really fall short.
Is there a companion
To give me support?
Females are everywhere –
All in my face!
Within this imbalance,
I feel out of place.
*****
I have plenty of gifts
That I’d love to share,
But those jobs are filled up
With none left to spare.
Women are preaching,
Girls playing drums,
They’re on the Tech’ Team
While I twiddle my thumbs.
I really love children,
So, with creche, I’d be happy,
But they’d call me a pervert
If I changed a kid’s nappy.
*****
The only ministry left
Is the church’s dance group.
Can you imagine me swirling
A ribbon in a loop?
I don’t think flag waving
Is my cup of tea,
It’s too effeminate,
It just isn’t me.
I’ve got a good voice
But I really hate singing.
Emotional expression
Is just so minging!
*****
I want to feel needed
For many contributions.
Don’t judge me as lazy,
Just find me solutions.
All I get from the pastor
Each Sunday morn
Is, “What are you reading?
I hope it’s not porn.”
I have this fear
Of being constantly scolded,
And my masculinity
Being completely re-moulded.
*****
Please let me be me!
Let me be a man,
And I’ll gladly help
As best as I can.
If I don’t want to jump,
Or shake someone’s hand,
Or hug my brothers,
Please, please understand.
I need to be with men
Doing manly pursuits,
And then you will notice
My spiritual fruits.
*****
My wife is at ease,
But I am quite woeful,
For the few men I see
Are not very social.
I’m not a daddy
I’m not a preacher
I am not camp,
Nor a Sunday school teacher.
So, what am I doing?
Why am I here?
I feel I am trapped
In a strange atmosphere.
My decision to leave
Grips me with a guilt-pang,
But in the pub I feel more
Like I’m one of the gang.
